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Nice Guy Syndrome



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Trag

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Though these days I don't see myself as a "nice guy", or as someone who cares enough about sex to be overly nice to women versus men, I think that I probably was at one time. You learn things the hard way, and the fact is, women can be cunts just as men can be douchebags, and there's no use getting upset over that, because there's a lot of people who aren't even worth talking to in life and being kind helps weed them out. I know a lot of guys who act nice to get into girls pants, and the way sexuality drives people is fascinating, but there are plenty of "nice" girls as there are guys, so watch the kupo out for them! There's a good buddy of mine that doesn't act like himself infront of women at all, he is a much different, "kinder" person, and his own girlfriend doesn't know him that well. People are scary.
 

Zero Sora

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I'm a nice guy. But I'm not that kind of nice guy. I'm nice to my female friends, all of them, and I don't expect sex in return, or a relationship. Hence why I disagree with this.

I've also been in THE nice guy situation where I liked a girl and I was super nice to her, but I still wasn't expecting sex in return. He went out with someone else after I told her of my feelings and I'm still nice to her. Granted we don't see each other as much as we did, but when we hang out we still act the same way. No resentment or hate.
 

Mynny

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I find myself attracted to nice guys. Even if they're not assertive, that's kind of part of what makes them cute. It'd be nice to have a guy who is assertive or aggressive that can stick up for you or protect you. But in my case, I can be that way if I need to, and I would also like to avoid conflict if necessary.

I don't like super douchebags, but I'll admit I've liked a guy who was quite the sarcastic smartass. But I have these types of guys as friends, and they make awesome friends, but I think if I dated them I would get my feelings hurt way too easily.

The only thing that would make me avoid a nice guy is not knowing if he really is nice. There are some guys who pretend, and it doesn't help that I'm overly suspicious of people. But otherwise, they're my type.
 

Mistearea

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I'd like to classify myself as a "nice guy", but I leave that to others. But then again, most of the people I do stuff for typically don't remember me by the time the day ends. I'm a bit too random to leave lasting impressions. But anyways, to me a true "nice guy" is someone that would do something for others even if they don't know them. I mean, these days not many people will get out of their cars and walk through a busy intersection to help someone push their car out of the way, pick up some things that have dropped while moving or some other shit like that. A "nice guy" shouldn't expect any type of reward, but a "Thank you" is always nice to hear. But with that said, it's always best to know where you stand. It's not really the best idea to give a crying stranger a hug. At most, I'd just go up to them and try to cheer them up with my words.

I didn't read the articles, and I probably won't. I'm just giving my honest opinion about what a "nice guy" is.
 

Wehrmacht

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I didn't read the articles, and I probably won't. I'm just giving my honest opinion about what a "nice guy" is.

the point of the thread is to discuss the definition of a "nice guy" in a relationship context, your post doesn't have much to do with it
 

scubasteve

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im not a nice guy, im a mysterious person, with a lot to offer, i have a job, a few friends,a nd a lot of booze in my casa haha, so come on over! ill hang out with anybody, unless u ugly : D
 

Ðari

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At least the man that can be labeled as a jerk, can be considered a competent individual in some cases. Some arrogant fools can be quiet intellectuals as much as "nice [introverted] guys".
 

Zul

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I don't think the nice guys that the article and wiki page refer to consciously fake being nice to get into someone's pants.

Hmm, I explained that incorrectly(was sleepy).

I'm not saying that these people are intentionally "pretending" to be nice, just that they seem to misunderstand what qualities actually make a decent person.

Expecting someone to 'owe' you a romantic relationship for acts of friendship is not nice, its an unrealistic expectation. Reading up a bit, crankymuse's post puts it in better words.
 

Muse

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I didn't read the articles, and I probably won't. I'm just giving my honest opinion about what a "nice guy" is.

For reference:

Nice guy is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture describing an adult or teenage male with friendly yet unassertive personality traits in the context of a relationship with a woman. A typical nice guy believes in putting the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, and generally acts nicely towards women.

And then there's the alternate viewpoint on it:

The terms Nice Guy and nice guy syndrome are used in feminist circles to describe men who view themselves as prototypical "nice guys," but whose "nice deeds" are in reality only motivated by manipulating women into a relationship and/or sex.


In early 2002, the website Heartless Bitches International (HBI), which "employs irony as a strategy to offer humorous explorations of contemporary gender relations" published several short essays (which they labelled "rants") on the concept of the Nice Guy™. Central to the theme of these essays is that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many Nice Guys™ are insecure men unwilling to articulate their romantic or sexual feelings directly. Instead they choose present themselves as their paramour's "friend", and hang around doing nice things for her in hopes that she will telepathically pick up on their desire for her. When she inevitably fails to divine their secret feelings, Nice Guys™ become embittered and blame her for "taking advantage" of them and their "niceness". The essays are particularly critical of what HBI sees as hypocrisy and manipulation on the part of self-professed Nice Guys™.

Remember, there's a difference between a Nice Guy and a nice person. :/
 

Johnny Stooge

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I would think the majority of "nice guys" are 15 year old boys who are unable to articulate how they feel. It's a phase most should grow out of by maturity. It's not entirely their fault. They just don't understand relationship dynamics yet.

I was definitely a "nice guy" in high school, but it didn't take me long to change. It's way more fun to be an ass. Makes me more memorable too.
 

MangaCrazy101

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Just looking at this thread I'm just taking on the assumption that there are a few different definitions of "Nice guys".

Nice guys who are 'friendzoned'.

Nice guys who are just generally nice people.

And Nice guys who are just generally using it as an act for a relationship and or sex.

My boyfriend would have to be classed as an "Overly Nice Guy". You know: when people are just too nice and you get so frustrated over the fact that they let you walk all over them on purpose and never expect anything back so you want to just throw them out a window? Haha it's so annoying. But I still love the hell out of him??? Love, hate relationship anyone?

He's been walked all the way over before when his ex got pregnant to one of his friends and then left him. Luckily I was there to pick up the pieces and that was where he fell for me- apparently.... o_O;;; (Likes anyone who's there for him??)

But the thing was is that I had a crush on him for two whole years, told him and then was friendzoned... it was only after this that I was an option???

Nice guys are hard to figure out, you don't honestly know their motifs.
 

inasuma

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My brother is an ass. He left the 'nice guy' phase in high school, ended up getting herpes. Yep.

I'd rather be nice and assertive than make myself look bad. So far it hasn't failed me, except when it does, which is probably more often than not. OH WELL LOL
 

KaiSparda1018

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Whether you're nice or a jerk, there are people that are going to be attracted to you and people who won't be. That's just the way life works. And a lot of times, girls get flack for not dating a guy who was nice to them, well, there are two things I want to say about that -

a.) If you don't say anything, how can you get mad if she dates another guy? When you come in acting like a friend and taking too long to make your feelings known, it's kind of ridiculous to expect a girl who wasn't even attracted to you int the first place to wait around for you or make the first move.

b.) On the whole issue of "she chose a jerk over me" - a jerk could not have been chosen over you if you were not an option in the first place.

This guy that I am friends with suddenly started making advances towards me - both sexual and romantic, and I let him know that he needs to stop. We're either going to be just friends or nothing. Yet he is persistently asking me out on dates and giving me flowers and whatnot. Guys, that isn't romantic. It's crossing a boundary. You can't pester a girl into dating you or try to pity her into dating you. That is wrong and if you really are so nice, there is definitely a girl out there who will love you.
 

Zen

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But it's not some clever ploy to get with them, I genuniely want to know them and am just trying to show that I am a, well, nice guy.

That's kind of what dating is for. `3`

I would think the majority of "nice guys" are 15 year old boys who are unable to articulate how they feel. It's a phase most should grow out of by maturity. It's not entirely their fault. They just don't understand relationship dynamics yet.

Sounds about right, but apparently the age demographic extends beyond that.

As for me, the answer is no. I'm not a "nice guy" (at least in this context) and never have been one. In high school I was pretty shy, so I never made much friends -- let alone with girls. I did have a few, but I never befriended them in hopes of getting into a relationship.

However, I'd be lying if I said that I never got infatuated with some of them after getting to know them better. In my case, the reason I've never been in a relationship or even dated is most likely because of this:

it varies, some "nice guys" really are just nice guys who don't attract a lot of women because they don't have "swag"

For the most part I agree with the articles, but disagree with the general attitude and sentiment. It seems to me that "nice guys" don't know any better.

When growing up the idea of romance is so idealized that it's not surprising to me that some people think that way. For them, befriending a girl, and then becoming a platonic friend, may seem like a perfect way to start a relationship. It's all very immaculate.

To me that doesn't seem like they're jerks, only very naive. Obviously this doesn't extend to every "nice guy", and that's mostly assumptions from me. Never met anybody who falls under this category.

Also have to agree with Nyangoro.
 
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Nostalgia

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I'm not sure if I can really put myself onto one side of this particular argument. From what my own personal experiences have taught me, girls are fickle and their actions hardly ever coincide with what they claim to want. The 'nice' guys who are only after sex are flawed because they're going after the wrong damn women. There are plenty of whores to choose from. If you're only after getting ass, why go for a girl who's looking for an honest relationship, and then get mad because she's not interested in f.ucking? So yes, those guys are definitely an enigma. Nothing wrong with looking for tail, but I think guys should just be straight up about it. You'll at least find out right away if you have any kinda shot without wasting your time or hers for that matter.

But I must sympathize (more so empathize) with the other variety of wimpy guys who just can't get a break. I've been in love. I was friend-zoned for months, and like a jackass, I put up with it. I never cared about having sex with her. To be honest, I was never even physically attracted to her at all. That was my first indication that it was legit. But here's where it gets a little more f.ucked up. (This is gonna be a long story...)

One day, in December 2010, I was with her in my car, and we were just talking about hypothetical relationships in general. She didn't know of my feelings for her at the time. So I asked her what should a guy should do if he knows that the girl he loves won't think of him as anything other than a friend, and she said that the guy should probably just stop talking to her, and she'll eventually get the hint. She said that a girl's 'close friend' will never mean as much to her as her boyfriend. This seems pretty obvious now, but imagine being her close friend and hearing something like that. So, I took that advice and refrained from talking to her, despite the fact that we were extremely close. She got the hint, pretty quickly. Now, May 2011 rolls around, and she sends me this big message on facebook about how she's sorry and she understands if I need more time but misses me and bla bla bla. By then, I was actually over her to some extent. I mean, I knew this had the potential to open up old wounds, but I was actually okay with the thought of being friends with her. I just had to keep my distance to prevent any risks. This actually worked for a while. Skipping ahead to July/August, she started acting differently around me. She started telling me that she loved me. I knew she didn't mean it romantically (just from the context of the conversation), so I didn't make much of it. But she kept saying it. Keep in mind that I had already gone through my first year of college, and she was about to be a senior in high school. So, the thought of where she was gonna go to college came up in conversation, and she told me how upset she was at the thought of leaving me. I figured she would've felt the same about all her friends, but she even said in particular that it would be harder to leave me. At this point, I didn't know what to think. I was too much on guard as it was, and I was assuming that she was just being emotional and that it's nothing to consider. Well, turns out, once September came, there weren't any more 'I love you' messages and several hour long conversations. We were both busy with a full course load and all. But, she didn't even respond enthusiastically when I tried to talk to her. She was too busy fawning over some other guy. And she always used to tell me that she was too busy to hang out on weekends, but that didn't stop her from going on dates with this guy.

Now, here's my view point. I highly suspect that her summer attitude was a result of her loneliness and need to be close with somebody. I was a decoy, a stand-in for the boyfriend she didn't have. Without any consideration for my past feelings, she toyed with me. And that's not even the worst part, because I had suspected it anyway. But, what I don't understand is how finding a new boyfriend means that she has to replace me, who's only a friend to begin with. This lack of a connection lasted throughout September, so in October, I decided to give her a month to talk to me on her own. I would refrain from contacting her. If she talked to me, I'd put my doubts to rest and continue the friendship. Here we are at the end of April 2012, and I have not talked to her since.

As for why I'm bringing this up here, this is my example of why it's not always just the horny pretenders who lose. Even after I accepted the idea of just being friends, I still had to be continuously teased about the scenario until she finally gave up on me completely. This is why I've given up on relationships, and why the number of my female friends has considerably dwindled. I know it's irrational, and I know it's biased to some extent, but the girls I grew up with are mainly conniving and self-interested. (She's one example, but the ones I knew were all this bad.) I know there are better girls than this in the world, but I don't really care enough to meet one. There's only so many of these situations a person can take for over 8 years and still have any kind of faith in relationships at all.
 
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Silverslide

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I don't particularly think of being a nice guy as a phase, as others in this thread have put it. Then again I am in the age group where that "phase" is still ongoing so maybe I'm biased.

I think the whole nice guys finish last thing is just a stupid phrase that people build up into some undeniable law. I've seen the nice guy get the girl, and I've seen them get shut down/hurt. Mostly the latter though but I wouldn't consider that the norm. I don't know I guess it works on some girls, and doesn't work on others.

As for me, I wouldn't consider myself a nice guy. I'm "nice" but not a nice guy as the to articles put it.
 

king_mickey rule

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Nice guys, as in guys who would do anything for a girl to get their attention while they hope they'll eventually get into a relationship, that kind of nice guys are frustrating.

Mainly because I was like that (well, not that I did everything but I did a lot for some girls) and I don't know, it's just stupid to act like that. In my opinion now, if you have to do literally everything for someone to even notice you, they ain't worth your time at. all.

You always have just nice guys who are friendly and don't really have a relationship as their goal when acting friendly towards a girl, nothing wrong with that though. But some guys really need to be awakened, some guys act really stupid towards girls (when they hope for a relationship). I pity them, to say the least.

Now, I'm just a nice guy y'know. I'm friendly towards girls and will always be ready to help etc. but no way I'm going to change myself or give it everything just to have some hope of getting a relationship with some girl, it's just stupid. I guess you only get to know that when you reach a certain age :p
 
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